There I go again, my white self knowing what's best for everyone

I am white female school leader who’s recently decided to engage her school in discussions about race. I had my own awakening that my race mattered approximately two years ago and have been on an intense personal journey since then trying to uncover all the ways in which it matters that I’m white - my privilege, my culture, the ways in which I embody the tenets of white supremacy. At some point in the beginning of my journey, I decided that all white educators needed to know how their race impacts their teaching and their relationships with students and that all educators of color deserve a space in which they can freely share their stories of oppression, microaggressions they experience and what it’s like to live in a culture where white is seen as normal, better and more beautiful, so that as a school staff we can best serve our students. So that’s what I’ve been doing with my leadership powers this year - mandating that all staff take this journey with me. Granted, I have support. I said let’s do this, here’s why and my administrative team and a cohort of teachers, both white and of color, agreed. Together we are leading this work with staff but I am at the helm.

Now we're planning our second professional development day and I’m feeling nauseous. As a white woman, I’m often encouraged to explore the way my body feels in relation to thinking and talking about race. I’m nauseous, I’m queasy, my stomach is roiling and I feel like this might be a great way to lose some weight because I have no interest in eating for any foreseen amount of time. I’m driving home from my daughter’s karate class and start to cry because in diving into my queasiness and working to explore why I feel this way when my mind wanders to this PD I’m trying to develop, I can suddenly clearly verbalize that I am a white woman forcing people of color to talk about what it’s like being a person of color in our white dominant world. I don’t feel bad about forcing white people to explore race, but in doing that I’m doing exactly what people of color express they are exhausted with over and over again: dragging them into our learning process, requiring them to participate while white people realize all of the atrocities and misbehaviors we perpetuate at the expense of people of color. I knew to be conscious of this early on, but with the support of colleagues of color who said, yes, let’s do this work as a school, I felt empowered to barge ahead and have not stopped to think twice. But now I am thinking about the 40% of our staff who identify as people of color. Some of those staff members are in this work with me and co-facilitating our discussions. Most are not and are being mandated to engage during their professional development time.

I had argued it’s important that everyone spend time talking about race because race matters in education and everyone needs a chance to learn and share about how and why it matters with others. But really, in asking people of color to talk about race with white colleagues, aren’t I perpetuating just another form of white dominance, white oppression and white culture? Let’s talk about race, I say, but let’s be polite and make sure we are listening for understanding. Let’s talk about race, I say, but push yourself to be vulnerable and share your most heart wrenching stories. Let’s talk about race, I say, but here’s a protocol with strict timing and rules to follow in order to do so. This blog post doesn’t even cover the white savior narrative, which is also churning right now.

What the fuck am I doing? Is it really that all staff must engage, because having people of color be vulnerable and “surface their truths” is necessary for our students’ success? Or could it be that this work should only be mandatory for white staff but open to all staff? Sitting here drinking my calming tea to soothe my stomach, it twists at the thought because this is what I am rapidly coming to. It isn’t my place to require staff of color to sit for six hours and listen to others explore internalized oppression, systemic racism and microaggressions. It is highly possible the only role they will play in that time is as a foil for the learning of their white colleagues.

I think then, now what? Should staff of color be excused from this day? That’s not the right answer either. This is important time we've set aside to reflect and learn with colleagues. Should we create a retreat day for staff of color to have their own day together, without white colleagues, while white colleagues participate in race training in segregation? That’s a thought that actually helps my stomach to settle a little. Yet I know that would create so much more separation that doesn’t exist on any surface right now and white staff are not in any space to understand the need for that. Which would require hours to come back from, hours we don’t necessarily have. So then, what? I am only protecting white staff by saying that’s not an option. I feel that my choice right now is to either divide and harm or combine and harm. But there I go again – either/or thinking, another way in which I am steeped in white supremacy culture.